Still talking with God

Conversations with God- still talking

To recap last week and the first part of this article check out Conversations with God.

OK after the little exercise I had you do last week you should be pretty comfortable with who you are and know your limits in what you will give to yourself is only defined by what is in your own mind. That you are incapable of pulling a star from the sky if you do not first reach up. So have faith in you, and look to the Heavens and see all the wonder there waiting for you to just extend your hand and touch your star!

It feels good doesn’t it? I spent my entire adult life taking care of everyone else’s needs.

Feeling that somehow by limiting what I gave to myself it allowed me to give more to others. That my most selfish, act was to hide away in a bubble bath when I could not take the world, kids, pressure, or commitments I had made another minute. And believe me I felt guilty for even that simple pleasure.

I failed to realize that had I been kinder to me had I treated me with even half as much thought as I did others I would have been able to offer even more to others and done even more than I did as I often ran myself into the ground trying to take care of all the things I felt were mine to do and I had promised to do as I would die before I let someone down, or do a good job of trying to kill myself to meet all the sometimes self-imposed high standards and obligations I took on.

But with this also came irritability mood swings and sometimes I was really not happy as I certainly was burned out and resentful that the more I did the more that was asked. But it mattered not I shouldered on.

Had I stopped to step back and lived the advice I have always given others and taught the things I learned from God many years ago to myself for once, turn the teacher into the student I may have weathered my husband’s midlife crisis I may have spoken up about things over the years that drew us apart, that I let pass, but tore me up inside and so must have shown in some negative ways even though I did not see them. I don’t know can’t relive the past can only learn from it.

But I do know when you try and take on the world’s woes it is a big responsibility.

I raised two sons, I owned a Labrador kennel, I owned a rescue, I had an online company, worked on the Internet in rescue to save as many dogs as we could sometimes 17-20 a day hours straight. My life fell apart around me. I was tired, I was spent! And I woke up from helping people with everything from dealing with death in both animals and humans, loss finding their way. To setting up rescue runs to club fundraisers dog shows puppy training, and artwork for rescue to more, as well as helping a husband move up the ladder in his chosen field. Looking back I deprived myself and my family of the personal time that bonds and strengthens I failed to be grateful, I failed to remember who I loved instead was more concerned with what I was doing. So I woke up from all that and found a 20 year marriage on the rocks and too late to save it no matter what I did.

But I have learned a lot in the years following my divorce and I want to continue to write and teach so all the things I have endured will continue to be a learning tool for myself and for others. It is so important that you look to what you need and what you want and just do it! I think if we are happier inside we will attract that on the outside.

For this next exercise I want you next to do a list.

Sit down at your computer or with a pen and pad and do not be intimidated by the blank page. I want you to write What I Want to DO For ME First: #1 What came to mind? What was it that you wanted to write? Is it small; is it secret, have you ever said it out loud? Is it a goal, is it sinful? WHAT was your #1?

I can lead you to the light, but you must choose to walk in. I cannot write your list. I would not even want to try. This is your journey the path you walk left, right whichever way you go is in your hands. I can give you some advice as to what I did when I was in your place in this new horizon I was just starting to envision.

I was lost, so words were my comfort and my solace. I used them to wrap me up and protect me until I was ready to surface back into the human race after my marriage ended. So starting in 2001 I wrote many long list of what I gave up for all those years, what I would have been had I made other choices, what I got because of the choices I made, and where I was gonna be in one year. I decided one year at a time. There have been some setbacks, but I am an ever the hopeful and steadfast girl.

And after I wrote and wrote my long list of things I was angry about, hurt over, grateful for, and blessed with. I was to where I am asking you to be now, in this part of the journey- the list and your #1.

In 2001 I sat with a blank yellow legal pad in my SUV where I had driven out in the middle of nowhere to cry and feel sorry for myself and contemplate if the world and my family would be less burdened without me here. But that has never been an option God will allow. So I always find the strength even in adversity to wipe away the dark clouds and see the sunshine even if it is still raining.

But as I said my impending divorce was devastating to me, not only emotionally, but financially. And I had made a list of what I needed to do to live to survive. A job was the first thing as I had not worked outside the home in 20 years and I had no clue even how much I would need to live on as I was in a new town as my husband had asked me to sell our home and move before he dropped all this on me.

But after crying sorry for me tears and blubbering too loud at first to hear God tell me to stop and recognize all the joy I still had and all the love I would see if I just opened my eyes and realized what a lucky person I still was.

After I had cried myself out and had my life list scribbled down. Since I had my must do’s done. Now I wrote down my, what I want to do’s and as I said without much thought #1 was I was NOT waiting for a guy ever again to give me flowers.

I wasted my 20′s my 30′s and my early 40′s hoping he loved me enough to show up with flowers I did not ask him for, and he rarely brought them, but what girl wants flowers she has to ask for anyway?

Nope’ I was gonna get my own now. So #1 Do for me- was really a very small thing to some of you, but was a liberating thing for me. I bought myself roses. And I continued to do so for two years until I no longer felt rose deprived. I can have them anytime I want. But they were something I marked off my to do for me list as I deserved them so I got them and if I want more I will get more. And I will not feel guilty I am spending the money on myself I will give no less to me than I would you. If I will give strangers flowers why would I not do the same for myself?

So love yourself enough to write #1?????????? I wrote 5 things I was gonna do NOW! And 5 I would like to do.

Your list is your list so can be as long or short as you desire, but in order to achieve what you want to do for you make it start out with something you can do right now be it let the dishes sit overnight without guilt. Or eat the last of the cookies. You do not have to do without anymore, if you want to divide them and share, that is up to you. But there is nothing wrong with having them all as well. It does not make you a bad person. Or whatever it is you want to do for you????? You fill in the blank.

But just as I would hit the grocery store once a week and went to the florists area so my roses were all about me and in easy reach to achieve my #1 over and over. So should your # 1 be something that can be pretty much an instant gratification. Because you feel so good when you let go the guilt of I could be, or should be doing, instead of I am doing for me this time.

Part 3: Conversations with God- wrapping it up next week.

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Sandy Metcalf